The Widow Chronicles Part II - How am I doing?

A question I get asked several times a day is "how are you doing?", usually followed by "Oh that must be a stupid question!" But it's not a stupid question, it is a caring one, and I am grateful that I have so many friends who care.

It is a complex one though, and the answer can change on an hourly basis depending on my current  mood and activity. My responses, however, rarely vary from "Oh, I'm doing OK" or "Y'know, good days and bad" as it isn't always easy to elaborate (and sometimes I simply cant be arsed!)

So I thought I might try a little blog therapy and see if I can clarify, as much for myself as for my concerned friends. OK, here goes ......

I know I haven't fully come to terms with the loss, although I am painfully aware that my baby isn't coming back. There's a dullness, an emptiness that is always with me. I haven't just lost my husband. Ive lost my best friend, the man I have spent pretty much my entire adult life with. 

He was the man I shared everything with - the good and the bad. I feel frustrated when there are things that I want to tell him then remember that he isn't here. I still talk to him though - I wear his wedding ring and somehow that feels like he is still with me.

I feel the emptiness most when I have an evening to myself - not that I have had many of those since he passed! The days don't feel too bad as there is usually something to occupy myself. I'm trying to get back to the gym (although Ive only made it once!) and I've been trying to get back into my cooking (although I don't find myself home alone at dinner time very often) There is a lot of paperwork and companies that need to be notified of his death, but I try and spread those calls out as it is rather depressing having to explain over and over why I am calling. And of course, there is the everyday housework and laundry that doesn't stop just because I am grieving.

But the evenings can be very lonely. The novelty of being able to watch all my shite TV without being called a sadcase wears off quite quickly when I remember that he isn't out with friends or away on business. I always used to treasure a few days by myself to sit in my PJs all day and watch back to back episodes of Battlestar Galactica or Fringe or whatever else I couldn't get away with when he was around, but the pleasure was in knowing that he would be home soon and calling me a sadcase once more!

Ive lost the man that made me want to be a better person. Ive lost the man that gave me direction and gave me a reason to get up every morning. Ive never had much personal ambition, but Peter had more than enough for both of us and it was my pleasure and my privilege to stand by him and help him achieve his dreams.

I find myself quite lost as I try and decide what to do now. His final gift to me is the financial security and opportunity to choose my own future and do something for myself, although I have no idea what. The winner at the moment is something involving writing, but what kind (fiction, some kind of journalism, publishing, PR) I don't know, or even if this is a realistic option.

What I do know is that I want to stay here in sunny California as this is where we have both been happiest, and to leave would be to lose yet another part of him. But to stay here I will have to find a career that will allow me to maintain my current lifestyle and still be able to afford some of the little luxuries that make life over here so wonderful. If I cant do that then I would be better moving somewhere where the cost of living is lower and spending my vacations here - but we'll call that plan B for now!

Surprisingly though, even in these dark days there is a joy that I didn't think I would find. I spent the weekend with a few of our closest friends who are grieving almost as much as I. We shared so many stories and laughed so much that I realised that with the wealth of wonderful memories I have, I am the richest woman in the world! How lucky am I that he chose to spend his life with me?!?! I know that If I had the chance to go back to the night we met, in full knowledge that we would only have 15 years together, then I would do it all again in a heartbeat as 15 years with Peter is worth more than 50 with any other man, and I am glad that I was able to tell him that before he died.

At the weekend while laughing with our friends I also realised that, while there will always be a Peter shaped hole in the room and in my heart, there is a future for me where I can be happy. In truth, there has been a lot more laughter than tears over the last few weeks. A popular game has been "What would Peter say?" and that is always guaranteed to raise a smile!

There is also an undeniable comfort in knowing that my baby is at peace now. I knew for some time that I wasn't going to be allowed to keep him, and it was devastating to watch my powerhouse of a husband fade away and suffer as he did. Although I would sell my soul to have him back, and would have gladly nursed him for another 50 years if I'd been given the opportunity, I am happy that his release came sooner rather than later.

Well, that is probably enough for now. My apologies if this has been a bit long winded, but as I said at the start, this is as much for me as it is for you so deal with it! 

And know that if I tell you I'm doing OK, for now, I really am!

The Widow Chronicles - Part I

Hello friends. So much has happened since I last wrote, most obviously the passing of my dear dear husband on the 4th.

As I had reported on New Year's Day, Hubby's breathing had started to deteriorate and while the changes that we made to his medications helped a little, by early that Saturday morning it was clear that something was wrong. 

I called the hospice around 8am to report the changes and they said they would get a nurse out to us, and I called his parents, who had arrived the week before and were staying at the end of the street, to let them know that Peter was asking for them.

I didn't think at this point that things would move so quickly, but as soon as I had hung up to his parents Peter told me that he knew his time was coming and we were able to tell each other how much we loved each other and say our final words. 

His parents arrived shortly after, and we had time to wake his sister, who had arrived the night before and was staying with my friend next door, and they too were able to say their final words, and we were all together when he passed away around 9am.

I cant even begin to describe the pain of feeling your soul mate take his final breath in your arms, and it is something that I think will haunt me forever. But there is also comfort in knowing that he no longer suffers. He was so terribly ill in his last few weeks, and he suffered more than I could bear to watch at times. 

I have been blown away by the response online to Peter's passing. Very quickly both our Facebook pages were awash with messages of condolence, touching tributes and memories, and wonderful pictures, some of which I had not seen before. These all made me so proud to have been married to such an amazing and well loved and respected man, and they give me comfort still.

There is simply no way I can adequately thank my awesome army of friends who have supported me since that awful day. Within about 10 mins of his passing they started to arrive and they have been on hand ever since, either dragging me out when I need distraction or making sure I have space when I need down time. 

There are too many of you to name individually, but I hope you all know who you are and how grateful I am. 

I have to say a special thank you though to Katy, Cameron, Rachel & Heather for going above and beyond the call of duty. For taking care of all the paperwork and formalities, for all the time and effort you put into planning Peter's spectacular memorial, for giving me somewhere to stay until I was ready to stay at home again, for donating your guest rooms to overseas visitors, and for being there for me when I need you. I simply could not have survived the last two weeks without you and I love you all dearly.

That's probably enough for today. I will share more details about his memorial in the future once his parents have had their memorial for him in the UK, and I will let you see where we scattered his ashes once I have copies of the photos. 

And as always, I will share all the ups and downs and adventures that my new life brings me. It will be a much duller life, and most definitely not the life I would choose, but I intend to live it in a way that would make my husband proud!

I love you baby. Rest well xxx

Not-so-happy new year update

Happy new year, my friends! I hope you all celebrated last night in style!

We had a very subdued evening as unfortunately my dear Hubby has taken a turn for the worse. Starting yesterday morning his breathing had become very laboured and quite rattly and we had to increase his morphine doses to try and calm his breathing down. This worked during the day but overnight the problem came back so today we consulted one of the hospice nurses.

Once the nurse had checked Hubby over his conclusion was that his body was starting to shut down and that continuing with the IV nutrition was overloading Hubby's body with more fluid than it could process, which in turn was putting added pressure on his heart and contributing to the breathing problems.

The solution is to stop the IV nutrition immediately, but this will not hasten Hubby's death as he is no longer absorbing any of the nutrients and should actually make him more comfortable in the last leg of his journey.

We have also increased his morphine dose again which should help his breathing significantly, but will likely also make him sleep a lot more. I cant help but feel that this is a good thing as Hubby has become noticeably disorientated and confused over the last couple of days.

We have been told that these, among others, are signs that we are nearing the end and we can expect anything from a couple of days up to a couple of weeks.

It is a brutal way to start the year, but I take some comfort knowing that my beloved will soon be at peace.

In light of this, we will have to stop any future visits and cancel any that have been planned for the next few days, but if you have any words or messages you would like to pass on please text/message/email and I will be sure to pass them on for as long as I can.

Thank you again for all the messages of love and support that have continued to flood in over the last few days - I love hearing about your memories of my wonderful husband and they really do help to keep me strong.

As always, I will keep you posted on any changes. x