The Widow Chronicles Part II - How am I doing?

A question I get asked several times a day is "how are you doing?", usually followed by "Oh that must be a stupid question!" But it's not a stupid question, it is a caring one, and I am grateful that I have so many friends who care.

It is a complex one though, and the answer can change on an hourly basis depending on my current  mood and activity. My responses, however, rarely vary from "Oh, I'm doing OK" or "Y'know, good days and bad" as it isn't always easy to elaborate (and sometimes I simply cant be arsed!)

So I thought I might try a little blog therapy and see if I can clarify, as much for myself as for my concerned friends. OK, here goes ......

I know I haven't fully come to terms with the loss, although I am painfully aware that my baby isn't coming back. There's a dullness, an emptiness that is always with me. I haven't just lost my husband. Ive lost my best friend, the man I have spent pretty much my entire adult life with. 

He was the man I shared everything with - the good and the bad. I feel frustrated when there are things that I want to tell him then remember that he isn't here. I still talk to him though - I wear his wedding ring and somehow that feels like he is still with me.

I feel the emptiness most when I have an evening to myself - not that I have had many of those since he passed! The days don't feel too bad as there is usually something to occupy myself. I'm trying to get back to the gym (although Ive only made it once!) and I've been trying to get back into my cooking (although I don't find myself home alone at dinner time very often) There is a lot of paperwork and companies that need to be notified of his death, but I try and spread those calls out as it is rather depressing having to explain over and over why I am calling. And of course, there is the everyday housework and laundry that doesn't stop just because I am grieving.

But the evenings can be very lonely. The novelty of being able to watch all my shite TV without being called a sadcase wears off quite quickly when I remember that he isn't out with friends or away on business. I always used to treasure a few days by myself to sit in my PJs all day and watch back to back episodes of Battlestar Galactica or Fringe or whatever else I couldn't get away with when he was around, but the pleasure was in knowing that he would be home soon and calling me a sadcase once more!

Ive lost the man that made me want to be a better person. Ive lost the man that gave me direction and gave me a reason to get up every morning. Ive never had much personal ambition, but Peter had more than enough for both of us and it was my pleasure and my privilege to stand by him and help him achieve his dreams.

I find myself quite lost as I try and decide what to do now. His final gift to me is the financial security and opportunity to choose my own future and do something for myself, although I have no idea what. The winner at the moment is something involving writing, but what kind (fiction, some kind of journalism, publishing, PR) I don't know, or even if this is a realistic option.

What I do know is that I want to stay here in sunny California as this is where we have both been happiest, and to leave would be to lose yet another part of him. But to stay here I will have to find a career that will allow me to maintain my current lifestyle and still be able to afford some of the little luxuries that make life over here so wonderful. If I cant do that then I would be better moving somewhere where the cost of living is lower and spending my vacations here - but we'll call that plan B for now!

Surprisingly though, even in these dark days there is a joy that I didn't think I would find. I spent the weekend with a few of our closest friends who are grieving almost as much as I. We shared so many stories and laughed so much that I realised that with the wealth of wonderful memories I have, I am the richest woman in the world! How lucky am I that he chose to spend his life with me?!?! I know that If I had the chance to go back to the night we met, in full knowledge that we would only have 15 years together, then I would do it all again in a heartbeat as 15 years with Peter is worth more than 50 with any other man, and I am glad that I was able to tell him that before he died.

At the weekend while laughing with our friends I also realised that, while there will always be a Peter shaped hole in the room and in my heart, there is a future for me where I can be happy. In truth, there has been a lot more laughter than tears over the last few weeks. A popular game has been "What would Peter say?" and that is always guaranteed to raise a smile!

There is also an undeniable comfort in knowing that my baby is at peace now. I knew for some time that I wasn't going to be allowed to keep him, and it was devastating to watch my powerhouse of a husband fade away and suffer as he did. Although I would sell my soul to have him back, and would have gladly nursed him for another 50 years if I'd been given the opportunity, I am happy that his release came sooner rather than later.

Well, that is probably enough for now. My apologies if this has been a bit long winded, but as I said at the start, this is as much for me as it is for you so deal with it! 

And know that if I tell you I'm doing OK, for now, I really am!